


Legion Filk

by Dannell Lites Archivist (offpanel_archivist)



Category: Legion of Super Heroes
Genre: Filk, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-14
Updated: 2000-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-20 05:11:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offpanel_archivist/pseuds/Dannell%20Lites%20Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Legion of Super-Heroes filk by Dannell and others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Vernon Harmon whose Legion filksong "He'll Always Be Mon-El to Me" (sung to the tune of "She's Always A Woman To Me"!) inspired moi to write Legion filk!
> 
> ___
> 
> These works are is archived on behalf of Dannell Lites, who passed away in 2002, with the permission of her family. Original posting dates throughout the year 2000.

Intangible (Jo's Song for Tinya)

OR  
A Lovesick Ultra Boy Is NO Fun!  
To the Tune of: "Unforgettable" by Nat "King" Cole

 Oh, you're intangible, that's what you are  
 So intangible, though near or far!  
 Like the cactus that I gave to you  
Is the lust for you that stays with me  
Never before  
Has someone been more

Intangible, what can I say?  
And further more, that's how you stay  
That's why, honey, it's so horrible  
That, yes, you're so adorable!  
Why aren't I  
Intangible too?

No, never before  
Has someone been more  
Intangible, in every way  
Oh, I could cry, I'll just pine away  
That's why, darling, it's deplorable  
That you're unexplorable  
Why aren't I  
Intangible too?

SPIFFY DISCLAIMER THINGIE!

First of all, no Ah don't really see Dirk like this so all ya'll Sun Boy fans put down those flame throwers:):). Second, this is rated PG-17 for language, so beware! If'n such like words offend ya'll ... bail out now:):). Apologies in advance to anyone this might discomfort.

  
Cat House Whizzer  
To The Tune of: "Pinball Wizard" by The Who!

Ever since I was a young boy  
I've laid the Ladies all!  
From Winath down to Titan,  
I must have made them all!  
But I ain't seen nothing like him in any whorehouse ya'll!  
That damned Legionnaire Sun Boy  
He sure does like to ball!

He picks his partner out  
Oh, the girls all wait in line  
Smiling at the Ladies  
Always gives a sign  
He woos by intuition  
Their hearts and bodies fall  
That damned Legion menace Sun Boy  
He sure does like to ball!

He's a Cathouse Whizzer  
He's always got his pick  
A cathouse Whizzer  
S'got such a supple d***!!

How do you think he does it?  
I don't know!  
What makes him so good?

Ain't got no inhibitions  
He don't hear those moans that knell  
He can't see those pheromones now  
F***'s by sense of smell!

Always gets a freebie  
Never tires a'tall!  
That damned Legionnaire Sun Boy  
He sure does like to ball!

I thought I was  
The bordello crawling King!  
But I just handed my cathouse Crown to him!

Even at my usual cathouse  
He can beat my best!  
Oh, his friends all cheer him on!  
And he just does the rest!  
He's got wicked tongue and fingers  
For which the Ladies call:  
That damned Legion Menace Sun Boy  
He sure does like to ball!

Splitter's Dirge  
OR  
The Arms Fall Off Boy Lament  
To The Tune Of: "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline

I fall to pieces, each time that danger is near  
I fall to pieces! How can I be a Legionnaire?  
You want me to fight but I'm really scared  
You seem to forget, pretend I'm not upset  
And I've tried  
And I've cried  
But I haven't yet  
Villains walk by  
And I fall to pieces!

I fall to pieces, each time I hear Mordru's name  
I fall to pieces! Time only adds to the shame  
You say not to whine, pull myself together  
That's why I'm so blue, 'cause we're fighting Mordru  
And each time  
I find courage anew  
He walks by  
And I fall to pieces!

The Old Levitz Legion  
To The Tune Of: "The Song Of The Temperance Union"

We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band  
For good story values we're taking our stand  
We don't like the ReBoot because it is bad -  
We want the same future that we've always had!

CHORUS  
Levitz, Levitz's the best Legion!  
The best Legion, the best Legion,  
Levitz, Levitz's the best Legion  
That's the song of the Old Levitz Legion!

We do not like Giffen or Shooters named Jim  
Abnett and Laning or any of them  
Oh, can you imagine a fouler sin -  
Than comics book heroes who don't always win??

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like Jeff Moy, his style is too cute  
With Tom Peyer writing the plot becomes moot  
Oh, can you imagine more reason to weep -  
Than plots that are well paced and way, way too deep?

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like Sensor, she's not our Princess  
Her origin's stretchy, her Family's a mess  
Oh, can you imagine a nastier break -  
Than our sexy Jeckie transformed to a snake!

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like v4 because it is dumb  
There's no sense of wonder; it's cheerless and glum  
It' silly and icky and real boring, too -  
We've never read any but we know it's true!

REPEAT CHORUS

Hung Over Legionnaire (A Mon-El/Phantom Girl Duet)  
To The Tune Of: "The Teddy's Bear's Picnic"

MON-EL:

If you go out in the streets today, you'd better not go alone!  
Do not go out in the streets today, it's safer to stay at home!  
The least excuse that ever there was today will mean a challenge because  
From drinking last night Ultra Boy he is quite ... hungover

BOTH:

Hungover Rimborian! Things could get gory and,  
He's certainly not himself today!  
If you see him better run  
'Cause you'll get squashed if you get in his way!  
His girl's become a spooky ghost, upset him and you're toast  
You'd better not come too near!  
You future folk who value your lives better stay at home today  
'Cause Jo Nah's hungover out to HERE!

So ...

PHANTOM GIRL:  
If you go out on the streets today, you better go in a bunch  
There's lots of pleasanter ways to die than be fried to a crackly crunch!  
You will discover my Legionnaire lover is quite a threat, best head for cover  
For Jo Nah is quite prepared for a fight  
He'd like to pound you into the ground  
You'd best beware! You'd better take care!  
His head and brain in TERRIBLE pain  
From "Aleing" last night Ultra Boy he is quite ... hungover!

LEADFINGERS LITES  
To The Tune Of: "The Boxer" by Simon And Garfunkel

Oh, I am Leadfingers Lites  
And my story's seldom told!  
Yes, I massacre filk music  
With three feet of fretted shitboard and a capo!  
I take requests!  
And I do the ones with just two chords and disregard the rest!

CHORUS  
Lie, lie, lie! ETC!!

Asking Silver Ale and applause I go looking for a gig!  
But I get no offers!  
Just a come on from Sun Boy  
Down at the Legion HQ!  
I do declare  
There were times when I was so desperate  
I stole some lyrics there!

CHORUS  
Lay, lay, lay! ETC!!

Now, I am just a scribbler  
And my friends all say to me  
I have squandered my resources  
On my songs so filled with laughter  
Such are Parodies!  
All lies in jest  
The Legion is my inspiration  
Yes, Mon-El and the rest!

CHORUS  
Hey, hey, hey! ETC!

Brainy!  
To The Tune Of: "Alma" by Tom Lehr

The sexiest man in the Legion  
Was Brainy the smartest as well  
Oh, once he sauntered into your region  
You'd never be free of his spell!

His lovers were many and varied  
He was well known for venting his spleen  
There were three teammates with whom he tarried  
And God know how many between!

CHORUS  
Oh, Brainy, tell us  
All Legionnaires they are jealous  
Just how did your lech for blondes  
Get you Kara and Laurel and Rond?

The first one he harried was Kara  
Whose girlfriends all knew her as Linda  
She made him cry out in ter-rah  
"I'm sad for I know how you'll end-a!"

Their romance, however, had one woe  
He'd scream and then shout at Earthgov  
"Oh, I'm busy building Computo ...  
And she only wants to make love!"

Oh, Brainy, tell us  
All Legionnaires they are jealous  
Tell us what made you so fond  
Oh, of Kara and Laurel and Rond!

In the Gap he seemed smitten with Laurel  
His lust for her made quite a drama.  
Now this story can have but one moral  
Why, Brainy he just wants his Mama!

Oh, Brainy, tell us,  
All Legionnaires they are jealous  
Which of your mathematical bonds  
Got you Kara and Laurel and Rond?

Researching time he met Rond Vidar  
And soon he did fall for him pell mell.  
Rond died and his teardrops he could not bar  
So who knew that Rond was a GL??

And that is the story of Brainy  
Who loved not too often but quite well  
Love tended to drive him insan-y  
And surely did make his life Hell!

Oh, Brainy, tell us,  
How can they help being jealous?  
Waving your twelfth level intellectual wand  
Got you Kara and Laurel and Rond!

The Firebird  
Or Tasmia's Song  
To The Tune Of: "The Tarbird" by Greg Haggland

She wooed and won him on Talok VIII  
In the whirlwind love of the young  
And she took him back to her home land  
To hear the Firebird's song!

He loved the depths of open space!  
And the wonders waiting there ...  
The peace he sought in deepest space  
He found there in her arms!

Firebird call my love back home  
Call him back to me  
There's no other man who can fill my heart  
There's no other man for me!

He heard her not, for he had died  
In battle dread; blood and tears were shed  
And, when she was told, the Firebird sang  
In the Abby where she fled!

Heroes live and heroes die  
Far away from home  
And their love ones cry and curse the sky ...  
For a hero's soul must roam ...

Garth  
To the tune of: "Beth" by Kiss

Garth, I hear you calling  
But I can't come home just now  
Querl and I are planning  
And we just can't stop right now

CHORUS:  
Just a few more hours  
And I'll be right home to you  
I think I hear him calling  
Oh, Garth, what can I do?  
Garth, what can I do?

You say you feel so useless  
That our quarters aren't a home  
I'm always somewhere else  
And you're always there alone

REPEAT CHORUS

Garth, I know you're lonely  
And I hope you'll be alright  
Cause Querl and I will be planning ...  
All night ...

Jo Nah  
To The Tune of: "Maria" from The Sound of Music

IMRA: While flying free, he scrapes his knee;

His pants have got a tear!  
He curses and says things like, "Nass!"  
And whistles everywhere!  
And underneath his costume ...  
He has waaay too much chest hair!  
I've even heard him humming on Shanghalla!

GARTH: He's always late for missions -  
SHADOW LASS: But his help is very real!  
GARTH: He's always late for everything -  
Except for every meal!  
I hate to have to say it,  
But I very firmly feel:  
That Jo is not an asset to the Legion!

MON-EL: I'd like to say a word in his behalf:  
Jo, he makes me laugh!

LEGION CHORUS: How do you solve a problem like  
our Jo Nah?  
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  
How do you find a word that means our Jo Nah?  
A Rimborian oaf! A Legionnaire! A clown?

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him;  
Many a thing he ought to understand;  
But how do you make him stay,  
And listen to all you say?  
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Jo Nah?  
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

PHANTOM GIRL: When I'm with him I'm confused,  
Deep in love and so bemused!  
And I never know exactly where I am!  
IMRA: Less predictable than weather -  
He's as flighty as a feather!  
SHADOW LASS: He's a darling!  
IMRA: He's a dullard!  
PHANTOM GIRL: He's a hunk!

GARTH: He'd out pester any pest ...  
Drive a rilyah from its nest!  
He could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!  
PHANTOM GIRL: He's heroic!  
IMRA: He is wild!  
GARTH: He's a rough neck!  
SHADOW LASS: He's a child!  
IRMA: He is stupid!  
MON-EL:: He's a hero!  
PHANTOM GIRL: He's a guy!

LEGION CHORUS: How do you solve a problem like  
our Jo Nah?  
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  
How do you find a word that means our Jo Nah?  
A Rimborian oaf! A Legionnaire! A clown?  
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him;  
Many a thing he ought to understand;  
But how do you make him stay,  
And listen to all you say?  
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?  
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Jo Nah?  
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

The End!


	2. He'll Always Be Mon-El To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Created by: Vernon H Harmon  
> Bless ya'll, Vernon, Sugah:):) And If'n ya'll see this e-mail moi and Ah will abase moiself for not getting ya'll's permission to use this, but my e-mails kept bouncing:(:(
> 
> the WaRPed One says:
> 
> Mon-El--> Valor?  
> >Whatever they do, he'll always be Mon-El to me.

"He'll Always Be Mon-El To Me"

{to the tune of: "She's Always A Woman To Me"}

He can carry a dwarf star

He can wound with his eyes

He can run really fast and he usually flies

X-ray eyes can reveal just what he wants to see

They're calling him Valor

But he'll always be Mon-El to me

They can tell us he's Mon

But we'll feel we've been lied to

You can ask for the truth

But they'll never oblige you

And won't even consider an apology

Some people like "Valor"

But he'll always be Mon-El to me

Oh--he's a Daxamite hero

He waited a cent'ry

In the Phantom Zone

Oh--and he never gave up

And he never gave in

Despite being alone

They will promise you more

Than the return of his name

Then they'll just call him "Lar Gand"

And laugh while you curse them

Now I'll admit "Valor"

Ain't the worst it could be

But the first was the best

And he'll always be Mon-El to me

Oh--Superboy named him

And then saved his life

But it got retconned away

Oh--now he goes by the name

That Superman gave him

But it's just not the same

He's heroic and kind

And his uniform's cool

They can do as they please

But we're nobody's fools

We'll never be tricked

By their duplicity

They can shout 'till they're blue

But whatever they do

He'll always be Mon-El to me

\--Vernon --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vernon Honey, Ah almost *hurt* moiself:):) This is such a perfect expression of just how Ah fell too!!


	3. I'm In Love With 'The One'

I'm In Love With 'The One'

A Legion Filk By Dannell Lites  
OR  
Valor's Ode To His Spaceship  
By: Dannell Lites  
To The Tune Of: "I'm In Love With My Car" by Queen

Oh, "The One" she's a dream

Such a keen machine  
With her thrusters a thrustin'  
And her hull all agleam  
When I'm blastin' through space

All I hear is your gear  
When my hand's on your phase gun  
Oh it's like a disease son  
I'm in love with "The One"

Gotta feel for my cruisermobile  
Got a grip on your space bustin' engines  
Such a thrill when your ions they squeal  
Told Supergirl I'd have to forget her

Rather buy me a new warp drive unit  
So she flew off sayin'  
This is the end now  
Ships don't talk back  
They're just four thruster friends now  
When I'm blastin through space

All I hear is your gear  
When I'm cruisin' in overdrive  
Don't have to listen to no LexCorp - Babbage jive  
I'm in love with "The One"

Gotta feel for my cruisermobile  
I'm in love with "The One"  
Fingerless gloves for my spacecruiserlove  
The End!


	4. Triad's Song

# Triad's Song

By: Dannell Lites

To The Tune Of: "Just A Closer Walk With Thee"

**Just a lovers's tryst with thee -**

****Grant it Valor is my plea!** **

****Daily making love to thee,** **

****Dear Lar, let it be!** **

****Dear Lar, let it be!** **

**Thou art stacked and oh so strong!**

****Pecs and abs to praise in song!** **

****Oh, I am horny and I long;** **

****To tryst with thee, Dear Lar:** **

****Tryst with thee!** **

The Ever Lovin'END!


End file.
